Dear Mr. Jeff Bezos,
We, the humble city of Gatestown in collaboration with Mashable, are pleased to submit our application to become the home to Amazon's second headquarters.
We want this thing. We need this thing. Our city hasn't had any good news since we took on the name of Gatestown in an attempt to woo Microsoft for a Zune factory. That did not turn out well.
Now, we're all in on Bezosville. We're ready to remake our fair town in the image of all things Amazon. We may not be the biggest or have the best people. We can't offer you $7 billion in tax incentives or really any of the stuff you've said you need. But there's something we can offer: the platonic ideal of what an Amazon city could be.
Welcome to Bezosville.
What's in a name? In this town, a lot.
In Bezosville, newsboys sell Kindle Fires on every street corner, loaded with The Washington Post. Our best and brightest attend the Bezos Institute of Technology, home of the fighting eagles (bald eagles, naturally). Our citizens enjoy the finest culture at the Bezos Performing Arts and Fulfillment Center, where the grace of our ballerinas are matched only by the precision of the robots serving bulk popcorn.
It's a daily oasis, where every grocery store is a Whole Foods and everybody knows your name (because stores immediately identify everyone who walks through the doors).
It's all built around one thing:
At the center of Bezosville is Echo Tower. The building will serve as Amazon's headquarters, as well as the town hall, hospital, fire station, mall, hospice, and water tower.
Echo Tower will be a feat of modern technology. Designed to look like an Amazon Echo, the building itself will be a connected speaker that answers to only one man—Jeff Bezos, Breaker of Business Models, King of the Web Services, the Unbought, the Minister of Prime.
And yes, it is Alexa-enabled. Alexa, through the tower, would act as de facto mayor when Mr. Bezos is elsewhere.
The tower will be surrounded by numerous Amazon Dot-inspired buildings that will provide additional office space and services. That area will also have Dot-inspired houses for the city's highest-performing residents. What about those low performers? More on that in a bit.
Then there's the Bezos International Space-and-Airport, as you can see in the upper-right portion of our artist's rendering. Sure, we'll have regular airplanes, but rockets are the priority. Blue Origin only. None of that SpaceX stuff.
When not in use, the area around the launch pad will serve as a home for the hundreds of drones that will be key to Bezosville. These drones will do everything from carry packages and deliver the mail to enforce the law, which will primarily be based on Amazon values and the employee handbook.
Around the launchpad will the main green space of Bezosville that we're currently calling AmazonFresh Park. This is where we'll celebrate the biggest day of the year: Amazon Prime Day! All other holidays will be considered personal days.
Let's get real. Not everybody is going to work in Echo Tower or the surrounding Dots.
Bezosville, like everywhere else, has its underclass. These residents will find work at the many package fulfillment centers in the north of the city, with easy access to cheap housing fulfillment centers.
They'll also have access to Bay Zos, the new man-made body of water that will also help cool the massive Amazon Web Services server farm, which will also house fulfillment center employees. Please note the water will be so warm that it will, alas, not be swimmable.
The residents of Bezosville are excited for these changes. They're so excited that they have agreed to be stack ranked every quarter. Bezosvillians will rate each other on a rolling basis. Top citizens will be eligible for rewards. The bottom 10 percent will be expelled from the city.
This will help ensure that the city continues to improve, providing Amazon with only the best employees in its bid for global dominance. We envision a future in which Amazon has truly conquered the world, with Bezosville as its capital.
We hope that Amazon finds our proposal both enticing and slightly terrifying. We'd be lying if we said we weren't scared about the future and the awesome power of Amazon. But we figure it's better to be home to a massive, unstoppable retail force rather than watch as our last few independent mom-and-pop shops close down.
Please, Mr. Bezos, build your empire here. Bezosville awaits your ascension.